Rent is really soon.

And I'm not remotely excited. Because... I'm not a lead? Because Celine keeps asking me which nights I'm going to be playing a "big" role because she "kept talking about the play at the gym and her trainer wants to see her lovely and talented daughter" (meaning that she wants an excuse to go in public with the lifeguard that she's absolutely having an affair with)?

Because.

Maybe I don't actually love theatre. I just love being the centre of attention?

Kiss today goodbye,
The sweetness and the sorrow.
Wish me luck, the same to you.
But I can't regret
What I did for love, what I did for love.
Look my eyes are dry.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
And I won't forget what I did for love,
What I did for love.

Halloween perplexes me.

I'm not excusing my Halloween actions from middle school or anything, but, to be honest, trying to scare people makes a lot more sesne than what Halloween is about these days.

And I'm totally buying into it. I may be smart these days - showing my intelligence, I mean - but I'm still Marguerite Mason. I too wish to dress sluttily on Halloween.

You only get to be 17 once.

I wonder if I can talk Matty into coming down after his show dressed as Fred Casely so I can be Roxie Hart? Probably no.

The name on everybodies lips is gonna be: Roxie
The lady raking in the chips is gonna be: Roxie
I'm gonna be a celebrity,
That means somebody everyone knows,
They're gonna recognise my eyes, my hair,, my teeth, my boobs, my nose.

I am a good person
I am an attractive person
I am a talented person
Grant me grace...

Okay.

Okay.

I've had a day to cry and scream and junk and tomorrow I am going in to see Lacroix and demanding that I get one show as each character, otherwise I'm walking.

Less talented skanks can blow their voices out for all I care.

Okay.

So Matty rocked the birthday thing - totally lowkey, totally romantic... totally the fact that he actually made time for me. And he's been a total rockstar, letting me hide from creepypants Gordon in the city with him.

He's different this time.

I'm going to miss this summer.

I think I'm... Nevermind.

I keep trying to think of song lyrics but my mind will not.

Al is away, some sort of business something. Shows how much I care. Shows how much I listen.

Except I swear I keep thinking I hear... noises coming from Celine's room. I'm going nuts. She wouldn't do this at night time... right? She knows I'm here... right?

I wonder if I should remind Matt that my birthday is in less than a week.

But that would defeat the purpose of the "remember your girl's birthday" test, wouldn't it?

... the only birthday lyrics I can think of are from Side Show. That will not work. UGH.

Broadway baby,
Learning how to sing and dance
Waiting for that one big chance...

I always think Broadway at this time of year. It consumes my consciousness and, I'm sure, turns me into a huger bitch than normal.

I mean, Tonys, duh. Of course it's Tonys season, of course I'm thinking about Broadway. (Which... um... I'm not entirely sure how I feel about the Billy Elliot situation. Apparently I don't approve of London transfers, hello, it already had it's chance in the sun, let's focus on something new, duh. Isn't that that this is supposed to be a celebration of? But that's neither here nor there...)

I think it's bigger this year, though. June makes me think SA. June makes me think Matt. I didn't even know him last June, I was going on those lame pathetic dates with Pierre then which is just surreal, but that's when the Spring Awakening journey kicked off.

If this is where I am in a year, where am I going to be in another year? (I swear to god, it better be at the Tonys. And that's all I'm going to say.)

First of all, the show went amazing tonight. Well, duh, of course it did. As soon as I secured that seperate room for us leads? Yeah, it totally came together.

Second of all, no one showed for opening. Duh, of course no one did. No one ever does. Partially because I don't even invite them anymore.

Third of all, Cam Geary is back in town and everyone is just squeeing over it. And I, of course, am constantly thinking "Well, yeah, I've met him before. He had Chinese food at my house". Which... makes me think Matt. And I just want to scream because, hello, I dealt with this! Matt doesn't have room for anyone in his life who isn't called Matt Doyle!

You and you and nothing but you
Miles and piles of you
Pushing through windows and bursting through walls
Enroute to the sky

And yet I kind of want to call him.

And I don't have a date to the prom yet.

And Celine is having an affair.

UGH.

No song lyrics today.

Brain cannot comprehend them.

But this must be recorded just in case I ever get the thought that it might be a good idea to look in random envelopes in my car... or my house... or my bedroom again.

Nothing can be trusted.

(And... I still need to talk to Celine about this some time. Oh jesus. But I must. Cuz I think my eyes cross every time I look at her and then I start to wonder where the bleach is.)

I don't think there even ARE songs about this.

I could be in one of those Disney stage shows easy. And in one of these lame cruise shows even easier.

I need dance lessons.

My best friend had a little situation
At the end of our senior year
And like a shot she and Mitchell
Got married that summer.
CarolAnn getting bigger every minute
Thinking "What am I doing here?"
While Mitchell's out every night
Being a heavy metal drummer.
They got a little cute house
On a little cute street
With a crucifix on the door.
Mitchell got a job at
The record store in the mall.
Just the typical facts of a typical life
In a town on the eastern shore
I thought about what I wanted
It wasn't like that at all.
Made CarolAnn a cute baby sweater
Thinking "I can do better than that".

How awful am I that I can see the truth in that?

And here's where we learn that maybe Paris wasn't such a good guy and Helen should have stuck with Menalaus all along.

...

This Andi of Troy metaphor is starting to get a little played out, methinks.

But can I just say that I have never been more glad that I am a wolf in princess' clothing and everyone knows it.

And speaking of a wolf in princess' clothing, I should start to warm up for the show tonight. I am so not thinking of Matt.

Had a sweetheart on his knees
So faithful and adoring
And he touched me
And I let him love me
So let that be my story

LIES.

Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie's got new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting.
OH OH
I'll even dress in black and white
See I have not begun to fight
And you'll go - Oh! Much better!
Hello, much better!
And soon you're all gonna know much better!
Cuz I am so much better, than before!

It's been a week since I broke up with Matt.

And I'm dealing.

I think.

I was expecting this overwhelming void. This emptiness in my life where Matt should be. But then he was never really a part of my life anyway.

So, yeah. I think I'm okay.

I just really really need to find something to do on my Saturday nights that is not belting out Legally Blonde. Because if this becomes a habit, I'm going to have to stab myself.

It just sucks that I was almost in love.

But what's it really about?
Is it really about a party, Cathy?
Can we please for a minute stop blaming
and say what you feel?
Is it just that you're disappointed
To be touring again for the summer?
Did you think this would all be much easier
Than it's turned out to be?

I kept hoping. Stupidly. I kept hoping and keeping my little fingers crossed backstage and hoping that he would just show up at the show and surprise me. And then I kept hoping that he'd hop on the train and head down after his matinee on Sunday because yesterday was his day off to surprise me and make it up to me.

But it's Tuesday. So that's gone.

And he hasn't even apologized. He hasn't even said he's sorry he couldn't come! Like I should have just accepted that he's important and stopped bugging him about coming.

I have cancelled a voice lesson so that I could go to a stupid premiere thing with him and then be shunted off to the side while excited teenie took pictures. And this would have been fun for him. I would have introduced him to people!

I will not dwell. I will not make this a problem.

This is not The Last Five Years.

And I refuse to be Cathy.

Johnny wants to hide
How do you know
When it's time to let go?
Johnny can't decide

I didn't get into Spring Awakening.

That is the first time I've said it - in those words. I've just always let people assume.

It sucks. A lot.

You know what else sucks?

The fact that my stupid boyfriend, who is in Spring Awakening by the way, is always whining about a bad show. Or how they are closing. And I just want to punch him in the throat and scream "At least you're in the show!".

But I can't punch him in the throat. Because I never seen him!

He's probably not even going to be able to come see Midsummer - which is a gong show anyway - because of fucking SA.

This blows.

I have the perfect 5-minute wave.

Flow: "Name" by the Goo Goo Dolls
Staccato: "Paper Planes" by M.I.A.
Chaos: "This Could Be Anywhere In the World" by Alexisonfire
Lyrical: "Every Other Time" by LFO
Stillness: "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley

It's brilliant. It would be the perfect warm up for Spring Awakening.

I still haven't signed up for auditions for Midsummer because I don't want to let the school down when... if I get into SA.

My life is on hold! So why haven't I heard from them yet??

I'm starting to get really stressed out.

I haven't heard back from Spring Awakening yet. I've had three callbacks, I'm holding into material and... I haven't heard.

Matt says there's a big cast shuffle coming up. Shouldn't that include me? Shouldn't I being hearing something?

And I'm trying so hard not to care and not to think about it and not to sound worried when I talk to people and it's just so tiring.


But on the other hand? Matt and I are doing so good. And I met Cam Geary. (Apparently I didn't think I needed to record that moment??? But I recorded every conversation I ever had with Matt? I do have it bad...) So, life is kind of a toss up. Almost good.

My callback went so good!!!

I mean, my callback went well. At least I think. At least, Matt said I was good.

Oh, that's right, look at what I typed. Yep. Matt Doyle told me that my Spring Awakening callback was good. And then he gave me his cell phone number and I gave him mine.

Plus? I've been trying his whole be nice thing and... it's working. It's way harder than he made it sound like, but. I'm trying to be nice.

Hopefully this new plan goes better than the BBD plan. Because that one? Was just crap.

It is too late to be articulate. I just wanted to squee about my callback because I haven't really gotten to do it yet. I don't want to brag until I know that everything is going to turn out awesome.

But at least it's beginning.

SPRING AWAKENING callback tomorrow!!!

Message on my cell phone voicemail when I got home.

The sheet music and scenes they sent me have been sitting on my kitchen counter since four days after I left for camp. Of course Celine couldn't be bothered to courier them to me or anything. Fuck.

So I am spending today cramming. Thank god I spent camp listening to the cast recording until my ears bled.

I just wanted to pop on here and record this moment. This is the beginning. In a year, I will be a Broadway star and this was the beginning.

I hope.

Ugh. Camp is lame.

It is so not my thing and all I can keep thinking about is my Spring Awakening audition when I'm supposed to be making sure kids aren't getting stomped on to death by horses or whatever it is I do here.

Well, that's not strictly true. I also keep thinking about Matt. Yeah, that's right. Matt Doyle. I need to record this for posterity. MATT DOYLE aka the BROADWAY HANSCHEN totally talked to me and (I am so 99% sure)flirted with me outside the open call. And even though I'll never see him again, unless I get into the show (I say "when" around Grace, but seriously...), it was totally worth it. My life is complete.

Oh yeah. Grace is turning into a total camp junkie. I need to make sure to say nothing bad about it around her so I don't burst her bubble. Ugh.

I'm always posting late at night.

Grace and I made up. That's cool. It's nice to have friends.

Pierre and I... whatever we had... it's done. I'm done. He's just an asshole. That's all there is to it.

And I'm too good for what he needed me to be anyway. Grace was right. (I know, sounds crazy, right?) I was just fucking Rebound!Girl to him.

Again.

This is apparently what I am and what I do. Rebound!Girl to boys with perfect girlfriends because I'm almost good enough.

BUT I DON'T CARE. I don't need or want him... I don't need anyone.

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by
The rules of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap.

...

I'm through accepting limits
Cuz someone says their so
Some things I can not change
But til I try I'll never know

I need a new song for my Spring Awakening audition, though. Every time I try to do Still I Can't Be Still my throat tightens up and it is just a terrible situation from a technical standpoint. I don't know what on earth I was possibly thinking playing and singing it for Pierre. Cokie Mason doesn't let people in, remember? And this is why.

So tonight I'm going to be scouring my sheet music until my eyes bleed, I fall asleep or I smash my keyboard. Or I find a song.

Grace found out about Pierre.

It is so much worse than I thought it would be.

But it doesn't matter. It so much doesn't matter. I thought we were best friends... but if she is going to be such a baby about all of this, I don't even need her as a best friend.

I am everything. I do not need anyone.

There's a moment you know.
You're fucked.
Not an inch more room
To self-destruct.

I want to throw up.

I don't need anyone.